Keeping the Fights Clean
Ok, so obviously we are all married or in a relationship and obviously, we are going to have arguments and disagreements with one another–sometimes, even fights. I heard or read one time that it is good to have disagreements with our spouse. I don’t know about you, but I completely hate it. I guess when I got married, I thought we were so in love and that everything would be perfect, but GEEZE was I wrong! I mean, we were and are still in love, but our marriage has been far from perfect.
My husband and I have gotten into the worst of fights. We have screamed cussed, slammed doors, broken things and even gotten physical (not in the good way) with one another. Looking back, I feel so ashamed for acting like such a fool. I read constantly on Facebook about couples who are like this…because yes, they post it! So, what about you and your spouse? Do you keep the fights ”clean?”
I believe that love can be messy. It can sometimes be ugly. We might not intend on our relationships becoming ugly. We never intend to be ugly…or sometimes we do, but we shouldn’t. If you and your spouse do not get along, or sometimes it may even seem like you hate each other..that is never good! So, what are some steps that you can take in order to getting your relationship back on the right track?
Don’t “plan” to argue with your spouse- Of course, our spouses are going to do things that are going to tick us off. But, we have control over how WE act. We might not have control over how they are going to act, but we do have control over how WE react to what they have to dish out to us. Here are couple tips.
- When our spouses do something that upsets us, do not think bad thoughts. Do not plan your arguments in your head. Depending on what your spouse has done, think of the BEST way you can approach them. Do not start text messages blasting off how big of pieces of crap they are. That’s never good and will never solve anything.
- Instead of planning on the ways you can be ugly to your spouse for their wrong doings, plan on how you can do right. Pray before reacting.
Never, ever name call- I know that when arguments get deep, every name in the book can come out of your mouth. But, guess what?! You have control over that. If your spouse happens to call you a name or say something that offends you, simply say to yourself (in your head) “I forgive them for that.” It’s easier said than done, I know.
Learn when to walk away- If you and your spouse gets into overheated conversations, know when to walk away. Know when the conversation isn’t going anywhere and know when to stop the fight before it gets started. If you feel yourself getting upset, learn to tell your spouse that you love them during the argument. Let them know that you love them more than this argument.
Learn to not sweat the stupid stuff- Do you know how long my husband and I had arguments because I didn’t cook the spaghetti like he was used to eating it? Or how many arguments we had because I didn’t fold his jeans correctly? Or how many times I argued at him for not cleaning up his hair in the bathroom after shaving. Or the pee droplets on the toilet seat?! Or how many times we argued over stupid things that no longer matter to us. Sometimes, we have to live with the stupid, irritating habits our spouses have. I finally started making the spaghetti the way my husband likes it. I still fold his jeans incorrectly. He still leaves a lot of hair in the sink after shaving. We’ve learned to not have stupid arguments over little things that can easily be fixed. Look over the small stuff!
Know when to seek help- I hate to see divorces happen, but I never want to encourage people that have HAD to leave their spouse because they are in danger. Maybe you are in that position. If you and your spouse are very abusive to one another, learn when it’s time to get help. Maybe that doesn’t mean getting a divorce, but maybe that means simply seeking counseling. And my biggest excuse for not wanting to go to counseling was, “it cost too much.” Well, there are many churches out there and many pastors that counsel FOR FREE. Don’t raise a family in an abusive home. Seek help!
Remember your children- I don’t care if your child is 1 day old or if they are 18 years old, they are watching you and how you act can and will damage their lives. For babies, they can always sense stress. It is the weirdest thing ever. When my babies were babies and I would fight with their fathers, they would scream and holler and it happened that way EVERY TIME! Babies sense stress. For the older children, they are watching. You may keep thinking to yourself, they will never remember this. Well, if nothing changes, yes they will remember it. You are teaching your daughters how they are to be treated by their husbands and your sons how they are to treat their wives. We are teaching our children either how to have negative relationships or positive ones. What are your children seeing you do?
- If you and your spouse is arguing, do it away from the children. Go to your room. Make it to where they can not hear or see the things that are going on. They are too little and young to be involved in your problems.
- I don’t care how bad your spouse is, never bad mouth your spouse to your children.
Do not bring up old stuff- I do struggle with this, I’m not even going to lie. I have a habit of throwing up my husband’s past hurts that he has done with me. “Hey, you wrote a check and now we have an overdraft fee and are in the negatives!!” “Well, remember that time 6 years ago when you forgot to pay the bill?!?” If you mess up, own up to your mistakes. Sometimes we are wrong. Sometimes we need to own up to our mistakes. Don’t throw up something from the past, because a past is called a past for a reason! Just because your spouse has an issue with you doesn’t mean you have to have an issue with them!
Lord, I pray for these marriages that don’t do clean fighting! Lord, help us to learn to communicate with each other! Help us to not be ugly and to be smart about having arguments! Help us to know when to get help if we need it. Most couples may think counseling is dumb, but Lord, sometimes we need wisdom! Help us in our marriages today and everyday!
Until next time…be encouraged!!!