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To the Person Who Has Had an Affair.

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To the person who has had an affair.

For whatever reason the affair has ended, it doesn’t matter. I wanted to post this for the people who have had an affair. Maybe you were married and had an affair on your spouse and maybe you aren’t married and had an affair with someone who is married or maybe both parties were married–if you have been a person who has had an affair, if I could give any advice to you, it would be, not to beat yourself up too bad. When we make any kind of mistakes, we tend to beat ourselves up, feel stupid for our actions and really just downright beat ourselves up!

Usually people who have had affairs that have ended knows the pain that they have caused people. They know what they did was wrong. They feel bad as well. Just because you made a wrong decision, doesn’t make you a bad person. We all might not have affairs, but we all do wrong things from time to time in our marriages.

If your marriage has survived an affair thus far, then treat your spouse with respect and allow them time to heal what they feel was destroyed from the affair. Show your spouse the love that your marriage lacked in the first place. Vow to your spouse that you will never do it again and never meant to make such careless mistakes in the past. Give your spouse a reason to trust you again. Be very open with your spouse, because that’s what they need. Stay connected with your spouse. If you ever feel yourself leading back towards being tempted, pray about it and seek help. Never make the same mistake again. Learn from this mistake!

Affairs are messy, they hurt people, break people, make people feel worthless in the end, but I believe whatever Satan throws at us that is meant to hurt us, God can turn it around into something good.

If you were ”the other person” and run into the man/woman’s spouse, sincerely tell them that you are sorry, because they deserve an apology. Sometimes, that apology is what they need in order to move along because in their minds, they believe you are not trustworthy, they hold anger and hatred towards you and what you’ve done. Find a way to let them know how sorry you were. Don’t make excuses for your actions, but be open and just let them know you are sorry for your actions. If you can’t tell them face to face that you are sorry, then find a way. But pray about it first. They might not take to it very well, but later on, I believe that they will honor your apology. But, never apologize if you have any intentions on messing with the man/woman again!

I hope that this has helped people who have been apart of affairs. I have spent almost the whole month talking about affairs, but I really think that marriages struggle with getting over them and it was really on my heart to share.

Lord, I pray that the people that have had affairs can find self worth in themselves. I pray that you will help them Lord to not make the same mistakes again. Maybe the affairs they were in were set up by our enemy, but Lord, help them to turn this MESS into a MESSAGE! To you be the glory! There are many people on the verge of having affairs, and I pray that people that have already had affairs can minister to them and to tell them that it’s not worth it! I pray that you give them the strength and courage to apologize to the people that they have hurt along the way, whether it be the spouses of the men/women they were having affairs with, family members that they have hurt or disappointed along the way. I pray for restoration in this situation! I pray for healing in this situation! Amen!

Until next time…be encouraged!

Can Your Marriage Survive After an Affair?

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Can Marriages Survive After An Affair?

I don’t know how many times that I Googled or looked on Pinterest about marriages and if there was a chance for them to survive after an affair. I will just be honest with you and save you many hours of searching…the statistics are NOT good. Affairs that occur during marriages usually cause marriages to end because the spouse that has been betrayed feels as if they can’t go on, they can never trust their spouse again, or that they can’t get over the fear that their spouse will cheat again. But, if you are Christian…or even if you are not a Christian and have a strong positive attitude about your marriage, then yes, your answer is that marriages can survive after an affair.

If you and your spouse have decided to work on your marriage, if your spouse is sorry for cheating, if you can forgive..then there is not doubt that you can survive an affair. It will never be an easy task on learning to forgive, learning to trust, learning to connect back to your spouse. None of those tasks are easy after an affair has occurred in a marriage.

If you are having issues after finding out your spouse has had an affair, there are several decisions that you need to make:

Can you get over an affair? Getting over an affair is one of the biggest problems. If you are not able to get over an affair, your marriage will not survive it. There will be many days that you will think that you will never get over it. But there are many different processes that we go through during the healing process. Like I have shared, I was shocked, in disbelief, hurt, depressed, sad, angry, bitter, unforgiving, and hateful. The more time that passed, the easier I began to accept what had happened in my marriage.

Finding it in you to trust again- Even after a year has passed, I will be honest, I STILL have days where I don’t trust my husband. But, I realize that on the days I don’t trust him, it’s not because he is doing anything wrong, it’s because it’s just a thought that’s entered into my mind. Marriages that haven’t dealt with affairs, they deal with trust issues. If you can TRY to trust again, then that is a step to helping your marriage survive. We don’t have to trust all the time. We will have bad days..but if we will have more trusting days than not trusting then we are letting our marriage survive! I’m not talking about after the couple of days that you have found out. For at least a month, I was looking at phones bills a thousand times a day, I was calling his work to make sure he was there, I was checking his phone constantly, I was driving by the woman’s house making sure she was doing what I thought she should be doing…but as time has passed…I don’t do that stuff anymore.

Getting connected again- Again with my experience. I didn’t allow myself to get connected at first, and that’s okay if you don’t either. If you are hurt, allow yourself time to hurt. If there was a ”near death experience” in a marriage, an affair would be it. If you encountered a ”near death experience” it would most likely mess you up and you are entitled to it. But, if we encounter things like that we work towards healing. Once the healing begins, it’s important to get back connected to your spouse again. It’s important to connect because obviously being disconnected from each other helped the affair occur. (Please don’t take that as me blaming you for the affair–affairs happen because husbands and wives don’t have a strong marriage and they are tempted and they are weak and it happens.)

Marriages survive affairs every day, but they also fail after an affair as well. It is your choice to on whether or not you seek healing for your brokenness and you begin to keep the attitude that, “Nothing or nobody will come between my marriage!” “I don’t care what has happened, it is about to be about what’s going to happen!” “That woman or man that was with my spouse doesn’t matter!”

Lord, I pray that husband’s and wives that have had to deal with an affair in their marriages choose to let their marriage survive. Lord, help us to choose healing and seek healing for our marriage! Lord, we ask You to restore our marriage! Lord, help up and show us how to make our marriages survive and thrive. I ask you, Lord, that you help us to forgive and move on! Help us and guide us. In Jesus’ Name…AMEN!

Until next time…be encouraged!!!

Figuring Out Your Marriage After an Affair.

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The Choices You Need To Make After Your Spouse Has Had An Affair

Obviously, you have several choices to make when trying to figure out what you are going to do after you have found out that your spouse has had an affair. 1) You can get even. 2) You can get a divorce. 3) You can decide to make your marriage work. Trust me, if you find out that your spouse has had an affair, then all of these (plus even some I didn’t mention) might come to your mind. But, nobody can make the decision for you-not your family, friends, or even your spouse. The choice of how you handle your spouse’s affair is all on you.

Getting even- It went through my mind many of times! And during our arguments, it wouldn’t make things easier when my husband would say, “I wish you would, then you would realize how much that person DOESN’T mean to you!” I had many times where I felt like I wanted to get even with my husband or even to the woman who I thought came between my marriage. And there were even days where I thought I would do ugly things towards them both and get my piece of getting even. When I thought it would make me feel better after I attempted to hurt them, it just made me feel awful because that wasn’t the person I was. I didn’t have it in me to cheat on my husband and try to pay him back that way. I surely didn’t have it in me to sleep with a married man. I didn’t have it in my to fight the woman. I had my mean, angry days, but like I said, it didn’t get me anywhere. It made me even more bitter. Getting even is never the answer. Have you ever heard the quote, “Don’t get mad, get even?” Yeah, forget that quote.

Get a divorce- Yes, many affairs are ended in divorce. There are many spouses that just can’t get over their spouse having an affair. There were many days where I thought to myself, “I just don’t think I can make this marriage work.” I didn’t think that I could make the marriage work because I couldn’t get over the fact that he had cheated. I couldn’t get over the fact that he had lied. I couldn’t get over the fact that the woman knew my life and still did it anyway. I just couldn’t get over anything! I thought it would have been easy to just get a divorce and start over. But, divorces are messy. I have never experienced a divorce for myself, but I have experienced divorces of friends, parents and family. It is awful. If there is anything in you that says that you still love your marriage, and if there is anything in you that says that you can still remember the person that you married and fell in love with…you don’t want to consider divorce. Divorce isn’t the easy way out like everyone things they are.

Make your marriage work- If you have an ounce in you that says you don’t want to lose your spouse..whether it be because you love them, you two have been married a long time, you have children together, ect..if there is any ounce in you that doesn’t feel that divorce is the way to go..don’t do it. Why are divorce rates up so much? Because people don’t want to stick it out. People don’t want to put forth the effort in their marriage. People forget their vows. If you have decided to stick it out in your marriage, get divorce out of your vocabulary. Don’t dwell on divorce. Don’t think about divorce. Yes, it’s easy for divorce to creep in your mind on your hardest days..but tell that word to GO TO HELL!

Like I’ve said, nobody can’t make your decision for you. You have to make that decision on your own.

Lord, I pray for these marriages. I pray for the spouses that are at a crossroads in their marriage and they don’t know what they want. Lord, help us to remember that we don’t need to get even because it just makes us more bitter and doesn’t get us any further. Lord, help us to forgive when we want to pay people back that do us wrong. Lord, help us in our decision making. Lord, show us the big picture, not the easiest picture. Help us Lord, on our weakest days. We love you Lord. Amen.

Until next time…be encouraged!

Learning to Forgive After an Affair

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Unforgiveness is a prison that we get trapped in when someone that we love or really care for hurt us. It can take a significant amount of time to forgive someone after they hurt you, especially after they have cut you really deep. This blog post is talking about my struggle with forgiveness after I found out about my husband’s affair.

Before I found out about my husband’s affair, I talked and preached on forgiveness. I believed that you needed to forgive someone right away. I thought forgiveness was some easy thing, and when people would tell me about their hurts, I would tell them they needed to forgive that other person. It was a whole different story when it came to my situation though. Forgiving wasn’t as easy as preaching about it.

I didn’t know the other woman, although, for some strange reason, we were Facebook friends during the time she was talking to my husband. I knew nothing about her though. I think that was one thing that bothered me so much, is that a complete stranger had helped do so much damage in my marriage. I was convinced I hated her. I could not see her name without getting upset. I could not see her car without wanting to chase her down and harass her. I could not see an innocent post that she posted on Facebook without wanting to reveal to the world about who she “really was” and what she had done to me and my family.

I started searching for so many different things..praying God to heal me of my hurts..I wanted to just live a normal life and not have to worry about forgiveness. I thought since Facebook was bothering me so much seeing all her things being posted, that I would block her.  So, I guess you could say that I was just pushing it under the rug. I wanted it, but didn’t want to take the actions to get there. So anything to do with her made me mad all over again. Her and my husband work together and continued working at the same place and that would make me mad just knowing that they had the chance of running into one another. The more self conscious I got, the more worry came over me, the more angry I became!

My husband and I was at the store when we ran into her and her family one Sunday and it just rolled all over me.. I was mad and my husband had not even seen her. I made my husband pay for the affair that he had had 8 months prior to running into her. I was miserable. I was making my husband miserable. I wasn’t fulfilling my promise on doing my best to work on the marriage.

It wasn’t until almost  year after the affair, I was with my children at the store and saw her car in the parking lot. Instead of getting all riled up, I began to pray. I prayed that God would help me and help me to be prepared because it was a small store and I was most likely going to see  her. I just remember rushing through the store saying to myself, “Lord, help me..give me strength…thank you for healing me.” Sure enough, I passed the woman and I was able to successfully smile at her. I felt relieved. I felt that healing had started. I praised God.

I had unblocked her several months before running into her at the store because I felt that I wasn’t allowing myself to forgive by keeping her blocked. A couple of days ago, it came up in my newsfeed that she had “liked” something I said. It didn’t really bother me. I realized then, I was being healed even more.

Unforgiveness is like a prison. It took me almost a year to make up my mind to forgive her and deal with the problem. It was extremely hard for me because it was someone I shared a town with and would run into from time to time. It was someone my husband still shares the same employer with. Our children attend the same school. If I had to look back, I would have definitely done a lot of things differently, but I believe God has let me see this hard situation so I can minister and share my story with the world.

I can’t tell you how to forgive or how to take steps to forgiveness because I am sitting here still in disbelief that I have been able to come as far as I have. Especially after seeing some of my worst days. My advice, trust God. Ask Him. Remember how God has forgiven us and how bad we want to be forgiven. We sin and do wrong and expect to be forgiven, so I try to offer that same grace to others.

Let me pray for you. Lord, I know how hard it is to forgive someone that has done us wrong. Lord, show us how to forgive because it is our human nature to hate people that have done us wrong. Lord, show us grace and help us to show grace. Lord, thank you for restoring our marriages and giving us strength. We love you, Lord and we thank you!

“Not forgiving someone is like drinking the poison and expecting the other person to die.” Author Unknown

Like, Share, Pin this post and encourage someone who is trying to forgive after an affair! Stay tuned for tomorrow’s post as I give more encouragement on how to deal and get over our spouse’s having an affair!

Until next time…be encouraed!!

Social Media=Playground for Affairs

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When Social Media starts creeping in on your marriage!

I saw a post the other day that said, “Welcome to Facebook: Where people think your status is about them, people add you but will never talk to you in public, affair are started and your enemies visit your profile the most!” Now, how true is this! Statistics show that over 80% of divorce attorneys mention or have proof that affairs have been started via social media. How scary are those statistics?

If you just spend a couple minutes on a social media site, you will most likely see a married man or woman and them posting a picture of themselves and someone of the opposite sex liking their pictures. Affairs start with just one click and we need to be more aware of how to affair proof our marriage!!!

You might be reading this and thinking, I don’t think my husband or I would ever have an affair! But it can happen to anyone if you are not careful! A lady friend of mine recently was sharing with me how she began her affair with just a single click of a button! She and this particular guy started out by working together, becoming Facebook friends, liking each others pictures, commenting more on each others things, and striking and interest in each other. The more they began to talk, the more interesting things became. She shared things on Facebook that lead people to believe she was having trouble, so the guy would question her about it. That’s how they began their emotional affair!

Facebook isn’t bad. Posting pictures without your spouse isn’t bad. Making comments on other people’s posts aren’t bad. But, when you are having a hard time in your marriage, it can become tempting to post pictures of yourself and try to find attention from other people. There are many different ways to “affair-proof” your marriage when it comes to social media.

  • Do not ever talk bad about your marriage or your spouse on social media! People post about their crappy marriages or how screwed up their spouses are and they are just looking for people to talk to them about their problems. When we expose that our marriage is bad or that we aren’t happy with our spouses, we leave doors open for the opposite sex to come in and talk to us about our marriage and spouse. Of course, at first it may seem harmless but whether social media is involved or not, you should never talk to the opposite sex about your marriage or spouse.
  • Do not post pictures of yourself too much if you are noticing someone of the opposite sex liking it too much. Push for more pictures posted of you and your spouse. Sometimes when we think our spouse’s aren’t happy with us, we become self-conscious and begin looking for attention elsewhere. Trust me, social media is not the place to get the attention you are looking for!
  • Do not start private conversations with the opposite sex that you wouldn’t want their spouse’s seeing. I know you are awake, can’t sleep and so and so is on, what will it hurt to message them and just say “Hey?” Do not be private in your messages. And if someone private messages you of the opposite sex, be open with your spouse to tell them about it. When you start keeping secrets is when there are issues!
  • Don’t seem interested in a person from the opposite sex! Be careful of the things that you comment on, like, and how your actions could mislead someone of the opposite sex. It may seem harmless to you, but to them, they might not be getting the attention they want so what you are giving them by “liking” their pictures or commenting on their things might just be the attention that they need!

So many times, we don’t realize how we act when we are “in the act.” Be aware of what you do on social media. Be open with your spouse about your social media. Go each day with thinking, “If my spouse were to get on my social media, would I have some explaining to do?” And, if social media has been an issue in your marriage, then respect your spouse. Many couples have joint accounts or share passwords, and some marriages are comfortable enough not sharing accounts or knowing each others passwords.

Let’s pray. Lord, I pray for couples that are on social media. Lord, give us wisdom and show us what is smart and what is not. Help us to realize when we are going to far with the pictures that we post or the pictures we like. Help us to use social media for the good and not the bad. Help us to see when the enemy wants to use social media as a trap. Help us to be aware of everything going on through social media.

Please share, pin, e-mail or reblog this post!

Until next time…be encouraged!

Advice from Aunt Lo!

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“Advice from a woman who has seen pain..”

My husband and I recently met up with a perfect stranger. This lady, who we call “Aunt Lo,”  really opened up her life story to us. She was a hard-working mother and wife. After 29 years of marriage, she “lost her husband to another woman.”

She began her storry by telling us how she was always a hard-working woman. Even at 74 years old, when we met her, she was still a hard at work.  She told us at how she was so heartbroken to have had her husband leave her with children to take care and a grandchild on the way. After the heartache began to wear off, she really began to think about how her marriage went wrong. How could she have lost her husband that was so in love with her for years? How did they grow apart? How had she not know that her husband had been seeing another woman for almost a year before leaving her? These are some of the questions that really played on her heart.

She said that her number one mistake was not making time for JUST her husband and her. She said that she was guilty about always trying to include her children because she didn’t want them to feel left out. She said that her husband had suggested that they take a trip to Hawaii, and she insisted on bringing the children. Her husband often sent flowers asking to go out to dinner and she would get her children ready and take them on the date too. She said if she could have taken it back, she would make time for just her and her husband, because now she lives alone and has for many years. Her children have moved on and she is without a husband and on her own!

She said she was too wrapped up in work, caring for others, and not caring for the man that she promised to spend the rest of her life with. She said even though she had to work to make ends meet, she said she wished that she would have spent more time with her husband. She cared for people for a living and she said she cared for the people that she worked for far for than she cared for her husband.

Having an affair is definitely not the way to go, either. By writing these blog posts, they aren’t excusing spouse’s having an affair. But, possible it’s not too late to fix your marriage and make it the best. Love your spouse, take care of them and keep them first.

Tune in tomorrow for some more marriage advice! Share this, pin it, e-mailit!

Until next time…be encouraged!

Spouse First…Kids Second

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“Spouse First, Children Second.”

I know, I know. A couple of years ago, if someone would have told me to put my spouse before my children, I would have laughed and said, “Whatever!” I guess during my husband and I being ‘disconnected’ it was always easy to put my children first. And by putting my children first, I mean my husband and I are talking and my kid needs something or wants to say something and they trump my husband’s feelings or needs. I was quick to take my children to all of their events and not even try to schedule some time to just my husband and I.

I read something not too long ago that said to basically put your spouse first because your children will not always need you like your spouse will need you. It is very true. Most likely, your children will grow up, graduate, move out and live their own lives and your spouse will still be there. How would you feel if you put your children first on everything and your spouse stuck it out with you…then when your children moved on, your spouse was still there waiting and you had neglected them all that time?

Know that when I am saying to put your spouse first, I’m not saying just drop your kids and let them fend for themselves and give your spouse all the attention. I know when you get married, you have just you and your spouse. In my case, we blended families, so we brought children into the marriage. My husband always put me over his children. He always stuck up for me. He never let them interrupt. Me, on the other hand, I would do all the wrong things. I let children get in the way of our marriage!

After realizing that I had been so wrong for so long, I began really thinking about how I could start putting my husband first in my life! Trust me moms, I know that we moms can put our children in front of our husbands! But, think of how you “push” your husband away when it comes to kids. My big one was conversations. My kids would always come between our conversations and I would tend to listen to them and then tell my husband, “We will talk later.” Well, later never came!

Some encouragement, make time for your husband. Some ways to let your spouse know that you care:

  • Make time for your spouse! Set a date! My excuse was..no sitter! Well, guess what? We started putting the kids down 30 minutes early and going outside to have coffee dates! Sometimes we can’t always find babysitters, but there is always some time to spend with your spouse! MAKE TIME EACH WEEK!
  • Ask your spouse daily how their day was and really care what happened through their day. I make time to ask each person at the dinner table how their day was, no interruptions! Ask questions about your spouse’s day, just like you would with kids! Keep up with important things going on and follow up with how things are going. If your child was not doing well in a subject, you would stay on top of things. Well, if your spouse has things going on at the workplace or in their lives, listen! Sometimes, they just want to talk!
  • Pray for your spouse! I know, some might still feel weird about this one. I’ve prayed with my spouse and when I never felt comfortable praying WITH I prayed FOR! The more we pray for people, the more involved we get in their lives and begin to care for their feelings.
  • Show your husband you care! Give goodbye kisses (like you do kids!), give goodnight kisses (like you do kids!), get your spouse special treats (pick them up their favorite drink, a candy bar, or leave them a sticky note in their lunch that says you care and love them!

If you are thinking, “My husband and I could never do this!” Yes you can! You fell in love with this person and it’s time to get back to basics!

Let pray! Lord, please help me to start putting my spouse first! I know that it’s hard parenting and also being a wife/husband, but help me to balance the two and to put my spouse first. Give me ideas to help me to connect with my spouse that make he/she feel special and wanted. Help us restore our marriage! Help us not to give up! Help us to see value in our marriage! In Jesus’ Name!!!

Share, pin, e-mail…I want to see marriages encouraged! I want to see marriages last forever! I want ‘these’ marriages be an inspiration! There are too many divorces these days! It’s time to get marriages back! It’s time to start getting these divorce rates down! AMEN??!!!!

Until next time, be encouraged!