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Category Archives: husband

Are We Being What Our Husband’s Need?

I would really say that my marriage is good. I am always looking for ways to make my marriage better, because I want my marriage to be best. My husband and I have endured a lot of pain and heartache through our marriage, and I try my best to never let ourselves get to that point of time ever again.

Our church does a little marriage group and we talk and fellowship with other who are married. We share ideas and difficulties of marriage. We try to build each other up. We have been watching this short series of video clips that really make us think about what we can do in our marriage and how we can do better. One of the questions in our group for the women was, “Are we being what our husband’s need?” Immediately, I would like to say yes, I am doing everything I can. But, in all honesty, I think I could always put in more for our marriage. You can always do better, right?

I began looking up some scriptures and wanted to share. Now, don’t just read the scriptures. I really want you to read them while asking, “am I applying this scripture to my husband’s needs?” “How can I do better?” So, here it goes.

Scripture 1) Proverbs 14:1 “A wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.”

  • I would like to think of myself as a wise woman. I’m not foolish, but oh, have I made some foolish mistakes that could have very well tore my ‘house’ down. I have said and done things that were foolish. I have acted foolish and sometimes, I catch myself STILL acting foolish. Too much foolishness makes one man tired of dealing with it. There is just so much a man can take. (And no, I am not saying he should leave you because you are being difficult or ‘foolish.’
  • What can we do each day to build our house up? How can we build our kids up? How can we build our husband up?
  • What are some ways we act foolish? How can we correct our foolish ways?

Scripture 2) Proverbs 31:12 “She brings him good, not harm, ALL the days of her life.”

  • Did you catch the ALL part? Not just some days. Not just the days we feel like it, but ALL days! MY husband and I have almost spent a decade with each other and I’m guilty…. I have not brought my husband good ALL the days of our marriage. As a matter of fact, year 2-6 was completely awful in our marriage. I brought him more bad and harm than good. I am not saying he was the innocent one, either. And I do know that in a marriage, it takes 100%-100%, not 50-50!
  • How can we do good to our husband? How do you catch yourself bringing harm to your husband? I know that I have shot my husband with awful words. I have cut him down a lot. I know that when I get aggravated, I need to watch my words.

Scripture 3) Proverbs 31:26 “She speaks with wisdom and faithful instruction us on her tongue.”

  • Okay, going back to being wise. No, I have not always been wise in my marriage. I just admitted that I haven’t always spoke with prettiest, most nicest words… I have been mean. I haven’t always depending on God to lead me in instruction. I have had the mentality of, “Oh, I will pray to God when I need Him…but until then, God can stay in my little box.” Not very smart, huh?
  • What are some ways that you can speak with more wisdom? How can you speak wisdom to your spouse or kids? Is the instruction on your tongue faithful?

These are just some of the things that I have had on my heart tonight. I wanted to share. I know that there are tons of things that I am still having to deal with in my marriage. I want to be a great wife. I want to encourage other women to be good wives to their husband’s as well.

Lord, please help us to keep your scriptures close to our hearts and in our minds so that we can reflect on them and put them into our daily lives and in our marriages. Show us what our spouse’s need and help us to be obedient and submissive and want to serve our spouses. Help us to be Proverbs gals. In Jesus’ Name!

Until next time…be encouraged!!!

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Hope for the Separated Couples

In a way, I do have to give some respect to those who choose separation rather than just hopping right into getting a divorce. I am not saying that separation is necessarily a good thing, but I believe that divorce can be better than divorce. Granted, separating can be hard on families. I have been on both sides of separation. I have been  child and my parents separating over and over again, and I have even separated from my husband once in our marriage, but played the “I am leaving you” game plenty of times.

I think some couples get a couple of things confused when they decide to separate. If you are separated from your spouse at this time, or you have talked about separating, make sure that you are understanding what you are doing, and if you have children, make sure that you realize that they may react negatively towards your decision.

After my youngest child was born, I suffered from PPD (Post Partum Depression) and like I had described before, my husband and and I had been completely disconnected for a long time. I was suffering from depression and he was so busy working to make ends meet and we were just distant. We were constantly arguing and it was just a really rough time in our marriage. Our kids were young and we had a newborn and we thought that it would be best to separate. One of the things that we didn’t consider was how the kids would react. We didn’t talk to the kids or explain anything, I just up and left with the kids! It was during the summer time so I made it like a summer vacation…without Dad! The kids started acting out. I was even more depressed trying to juggle everything together. When we did talk, we threw around divorce a lot. That is just some of our story!

Some things to consider or think about before or if you are currently separated:

  • Your children- If you are constantly fighting, then yes, maybe it is time for a little break. But, sometimes it is good to let your children know that marriages aren’t perfect. I used to have it in my mind that my children would always see my marriage as perfect and no fighting! But, if we never allow our children to see us argue sometimes, then aren’t we setting them up for disappointment? Think about some of the things your children might go through if you were to separate. The changes that it would make in their lives.
  • What exactly is separation- A lot of people separate and they think that they can immediately take off their wedding rings and are single. Separation is to HELP your marriage, not to make it worse. When you are separated, it doesn’t mean you are divorced or single–it means that you are taking time away from your spouse (with hopes of working things out) and you are working on your marriage.
  •  Keeping contact with your spouse while you are separated- Sometimes it is good to keep in contact with your spouse. If you are thinking of any hopes or futures with your spouse, keep all contact positive. Meet up for a date for just the two of you! Send cute text messages! Send her flowers! Don’t waste your time grooming for a relationship that isn’t with your spouse…put the effort into working on the marriage that you already have! Work on forgiving! Get in church and really seek God during this time!

It is crazy how people will get separated and start sleeping around with other people and making relationships with them. It’s “play” time. I don’t think that’s what separation is about.

Lord, I pray for all the couples are going through separation. I pray that couples start realizing how valuable their marriage is. I pray that you open the eyes of the ones that are separated. I pray that all communication is not negative but positive communication. I pray that you will restore marriages that don’t feel like they have any hope! I pray for all marriages!

Until next time… be encouraged!

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It’s the Little Things That Matter..

Okay, so, in all honestly, I have had a hard time keeping up with posting. The point of this month was to post about some of the things that would help, encourage, and to let other couples know that they aren’t the only one to go through things! But, I had something else I wanted to share. Sometimes, marriage can be really hard and stressful, but sometimes, we have to take a second and realize the little things because sometimes it is the little things that matter.

Everyone has just felt awful around our house. Sinuses and allergies have just gotten the best of us! We have all been crabby and short with one another. Last night, I came to bed early. I had a headache. My husband kept the kids quiet and spend time with them–tending to them and getting them to bed. I guess we get in our minds that that is the “Mom’s job..” or at least in my mind it is. I was a stay at home mom for the longest time that I guess I still feel that it’s my responsibility to do everything that relates to taking care of the kids and taking care of the house…so I really appreciates when my husband steps in!

But! That’s not what really caught my attention last night. When my husband finally came to bed, he was the sweetest man on the face of the Earth…to me anyway. He knew I felt awful, and he caressed my hair and he rubbed and ‘karate chopped’ my neck. I was really just starting to notice how sweet he was treating me. Then, he just started telling me all of these sweet things like how I was so beautiful, how that there were billions of people and half of those being women but he would not rather be laying and taking care of any other person, how I was his best friend. I felt like the most important things while he was saying those things to me. I really felt like he meant those things.

So, regardless of the hard times we have had through our marriage, times like last night really make me think more of the good times that we have had instead of dwelling on all of the negative, ugly things in our marriage. Sometimes, we need to get out of these moods of being down and thinking our marriages suck so bad!

As my husband and I were going through marriage counseling, we were taught about love languages. I think that there are 5 different (yes, 5 because I looked it up!)

  1. Words of Affirmation- Hearing or telling the words, “I love you” or “I appreciate you.” Some people just really love words of affirmation. I am really thinking that my love language is the words of affirmation. I don’t need diamonds or fancy thing to know that my husband loves me.
  2. Quality Time- Some people fall in love when you absolutely giving you their undivided attention without any distractions. I am kind of thinking this might be my husband’s love language! He loves just hanging out! He feels loved so much when we are just hanging out on our back porch or out on a date.
  3. Gift- Some people love getting gift! Sending your spouse flowers or picking them up something that they would really like. A lot of women have the love language of getting gifts!
  4. Acts of Service- Showing that you love someone by doing something for them! Picking up one of their chores that they absolutely hate! Picking up something on the way home that you know that your spouse was needing to do. Just basically saying, “Let me do it for you!”
  5. Physical Touch- Now, most people would say, “that’s my husband!” But, it’s not all about the bedroom physical-ness…(yes, I just made that a word!) This love language can be holding hands, kissing foreheads, playing footsie.

So, hearing these love languages, what is yours? I would definitely say mine is either Words of Affirmation or Acts of Service! Nothing says, “I love you,” in my opinion like letting me know how important I am, how good of a job I am doing, or picking up a chore that I absolutely hate (washing dishes!)

Thinking of the love languages, what is your spouse’s love language? What really makes them happy? From now on, or perhaps when you are thinking about the bad times in your marriage, think about your spouse’s love language. If you had to choose one of the five above for your spouse, which one would it be? Make time to think about your spouse’s love language.

There are many things out there one the big web that talks about love languages. There are even self tests if you don’t know what your love language is! Dohhh! Go figure! 🙂

Lord, if we don’t know what our love language is or our spouse’s love language is, begin to show us with our actions with our spouse. Lord, help us to use these love languages while we are connecting with our spouse. And, if we are going through a rough time in our marriages, let our spouse’s react in a positive manner and realize when we are trying to show them love languages. Help us to use our love languages to really build and make our marriages stronger. Thank you, Lord, for helping us with our marriages!

Until next time, be encouraged!!!!

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When Pornography Creeps Into Your Marriage

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When Pornography Creeps Into Your Marriage

I know the picture attached to this blog post is a man that is viewing his computer. But pornography is not just a problem that men deal with, there are also women who deal with pornography as well. I wanted to touch on this subject because I feel that many marriages deal with the issue of having pornography in their marriage.

It wasn’t too long ago, a friend of mine and I were talking to each other. She told me that her and her husband had a major issue in their marriage. I surely wasn’t expecting to hear that pornography was the issue..but it was. She admitted that her and her spouse had really hit a drought in their marriage after they had two children together. They were trying different things to spice up their marriage and so that led them to the sex store! While in the sex store, a video was playing. Her husband recommended maybe they buy one (a video.) So, they did. This really spiced up their marriage. Now, 4 years later, she still catches her husband viewing pornographic videos and she was getting her spiciness from romance novels, 50 Shades of Grey, ect. Since they had started reaching out for spiciness in their marriage, they have gotten out of church. They know what they are doing is wrong, but they just can’t stop.

I wanted to share this story, not to air my friend’s dirty laundry, but to let the readers know that it can happen in any marriage. It can happen to men and women who attend church. It can happen to pastors. Many people have this issue and being male or female is no an issue! ‘

Many people will not admit that they are having this issue because they are embarrassed. It is like talking about sex, it is personal and nobody wants to talk about it! If you or your spouse is having an issue with pornography in your marriage, here are several tips of advice for you!

Seek help! If you are having an issue with pornography, be open about it with your spouse. There are many Christian counselors that are willing to counsel with you and your spouse because they deal with a lot of issues like this! Most Christian counseling in the church is free, especially if you are already a member. Don’t try to hide your secret. I am not saying go yell it around the world, but don’t keep it to yourself either.

Know and realize it’s an issue- Admitting that you have an issue is the first step,right? Realizing that pornography is an issue is the first step. Pornography will never make a marriage stronger, it will not spice up the bedroom (for a long period anyway), it will not fix your marriage issues, and it’s really a trap!

Pornography usually creeps into someone’s life at a young age. When a young man (or woman) catch that glimpse of a pornographic image, they become addicted. Sometimes they can contain it, but then they think about it later in life. The issue follows them through life! Seriously! Other times, pornography creeps into marriages when there is a drought in the bedroom. Either the man or woman seeks more spiciness or like my friend’s case, they viewed it together. Men and women who seek pornography, whether it be books, magazines, videos, ect, means that they are lacking something in their marriage and once pornography wears off, affairs start happening because pornography can only remain exciting for a short period of time.

Pornography can be a major issue in a marriage. If you or your spouse are dealing with pornography. Seek help. It’s so hard to kick the habit and pornography addiction when pornography is literally at our fingertips. It pops up on our computers, there are apps for it, it is on television (whether we realize it or not!)

Steps that you can take when helping your addiction to pornography:

  • Have someone that knows about your issue. Someone that knows your issue (that isn’t dealing with the issue themselves) whether it be your spouse, pastor, friend, mentor, ect, they can hold you accountable for your action. In AA meetings, you have a ”sponsor” and that sponsor holds you accountable.So find someone that you can trust and someone that will hold you accountable. NEVER seek help from someone of the opposite sex! If you are a female that is dealing with pornography, don’t counsel alone with your pastor, make sure their wife is present during counseling sessions or make sure your husband is present! Asking the opposite sex for help on this kind of subject is just asking for trouble!
  • Think about what gets you looking at pornography. Is it on your phone? Delete the apps. Do you search for it? Put something on your phone/computer that blocks it.(even if it’s child’s PG-13 settings) Throw away all books that involve it. Don’t set yourself up. When you are having a hard time, confide in someone!

Lord, I pray from the men and women that struggle with viewing pornography. I pray that you give them the strength to turn away from it when they are being tempted. I pray that you give them the wisdom to know when they are being tempted! I pray that they would have the courage to step out into faith and talk to someone, even if it is their spouse when they are having issues. I pray that they will find support. I pray that any marriage that has been torn apart from pornography issues, that Lord, you start building it back up. Lord, you start restoring these marriage!

Please, share this post. If you know someone is dealing with pornography, share it with them (privately.) If you need prayer, please don’t forget my prayer wall. You can be added to the prayer wall anonymously.

Until next time…be encouraged!

Keeping the Fights Clean

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Keeping the Fights Clean

Ok, so obviously we are all married or in a relationship and obviously, we are going to have arguments and disagreements with one another–sometimes, even fights. I heard or read one time that it is good to have disagreements with our spouse. I don’t know about you, but I completely hate it. I guess when I got married, I thought we were so in love and that everything would be perfect, but GEEZE was I wrong! I mean, we were and are still in love, but our marriage has been far from perfect.

My husband and I have gotten into the worst of fights. We have screamed cussed, slammed doors, broken things and even gotten physical (not in the good way) with one another. Looking back, I feel so ashamed for acting like such a fool. I read constantly on Facebook about couples who are like this…because yes, they post it! So, what about you and your spouse? Do you keep the fights ”clean?”

I believe that love can be messy. It can sometimes be ugly. We might not intend on our relationships becoming ugly. We never intend to be ugly…or sometimes we do, but we shouldn’t. If you and your spouse do not get along, or sometimes it may even seem like you hate each other..that is never good! So, what are some steps that you can take in order to getting your relationship back on the right track?

Don’t “plan” to argue with your spouse- Of course, our spouses are going to do things that are going to tick us off. But, we have control over how WE act. We might not have control over how they are going to act, but we do have control over how WE react to what they have to dish out to us. Here are couple tips.

  • When our spouses do something that upsets us, do not think bad thoughts. Do not plan your arguments in your head. Depending on what your spouse has done, think of the BEST way you can approach them. Do not start text messages blasting off how big of pieces of crap they are. That’s never good and will never solve anything.
  • Instead of planning on the ways you can be ugly to your spouse for their wrong doings, plan on how you can do right. Pray before reacting.

Never, ever name call- I know that when arguments get deep, every name in the book can come out of your mouth. But, guess what?! You have control over that. If your spouse happens to call you a name or say something that offends you, simply say to yourself (in your head) “I forgive them for that.” It’s easier said than done, I know.

Learn when to walk away- If you and your spouse gets into overheated conversations, know when to walk away. Know when the conversation isn’t going anywhere and know when to stop the fight before it gets started. If you feel yourself getting upset, learn to tell your spouse that you love them during the argument. Let them know that you love them more than this argument.

Learn to not sweat the stupid stuff- Do you know how long my husband and I had arguments because I didn’t cook the spaghetti like he was used to eating it? Or how many arguments we had because I didn’t fold his jeans correctly? Or how many times I argued at him for not cleaning up his hair in the bathroom after shaving. Or the pee droplets on the toilet seat?! Or how many times we argued over stupid things that no longer matter to us. Sometimes, we have to live with the stupid, irritating habits our spouses have. I finally started making the spaghetti the way my husband likes it. I still fold his jeans incorrectly. He still leaves a lot of hair in the sink after shaving. We’ve learned to not have stupid arguments over little things that can easily be fixed. Look over the small stuff!

Know when to seek help- I hate to see divorces happen, but I never want to encourage people that have HAD to leave their spouse because they are in danger. Maybe you are in that position. If you and your spouse are very abusive to one another, learn when it’s time to get help. Maybe that doesn’t mean getting a divorce, but maybe that means simply seeking counseling. And my biggest excuse for not wanting to go to counseling was, “it cost too much.” Well, there are many churches out there and many pastors that counsel FOR FREE. Don’t raise a family in an abusive home. Seek help!

Remember your children- I don’t care if your child is 1 day old or if they are 18 years old, they are watching you and how you act can and will damage their lives. For babies, they can always sense stress. It is the weirdest thing ever. When my babies were babies and I would fight with their fathers, they would scream and holler and it happened that way EVERY TIME! Babies sense stress. For the older children, they are watching. You may keep thinking to yourself, they will never remember this. Well, if nothing changes, yes they will remember it. You are teaching your daughters how they are to be treated by their husbands and your sons how they are to treat their wives. We are teaching our children either how to have negative relationships or positive ones. What are your children seeing you do?

  • If you and your spouse is arguing, do it away from the children. Go to your room. Make it to where they can not hear or see the things that are going on. They are too little and young to be involved in your problems.
  • I don’t care how bad your spouse is, never bad mouth your spouse to your children.

Do not bring up old stuff- I do struggle with this, I’m not even going to lie. I have a habit of throwing up my husband’s past hurts that he has done with me. “Hey, you wrote a check and now we have an overdraft fee and are in the negatives!!” “Well, remember that time 6 years ago when you forgot to pay the bill?!?” If you mess up, own up to your mistakes. Sometimes we are wrong. Sometimes we need to own up to our mistakes. Don’t throw up something from the past, because a past is called a past for a reason! Just because your spouse has an issue with you doesn’t mean you have to have an issue with them!

Lord, I pray for these marriages that don’t do clean fighting! Lord, help us to learn to communicate with each other! Help us to not be ugly and to be smart about having arguments! Help us to know when to get help if we need it. Most couples may think counseling is dumb, but Lord, sometimes we need wisdom! Help us in our marriages today and everyday!

Until next time…be encouraged!!!

Making Time for Your Spouse

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Making Time for Your Spouse

I have talked a lot about the importance of spending time with your spouse and making time for them. When is the last time you and your spouse had a date? What about having a conversation without any interruptions from children or distractions of technology? Or, how about the last time you let your spouse know that you were thinking of them or doing a kind gesture to let them know how much they mean to you?

A couple of year ago, my husband and I never had date nights! If we did have date nights, it was we had at least one child with us. Which, looking back, that wasn’t a date night. If we tried to have time to ourselves at home, like a movie date night, my youngest child was probably stuck to my breast because I had made myself a human pacifier. Which, looking back on that, that wasn’t a date night either! Let’s face it, my husband and I did not know how to separate ourselves from children, from technology, from work and just have one on one time!

Do you ever wish that you would have known then what you know now? If my husband and I would have known how disconnected we were getting from another another just by not making time for one another, we probably would have saved ourselves from a lot of issues a long the way But, we didn’t! So, I am encouraging all couples to make time for their spouses.

I have given some ideas on the blog post of mine, “Getting back to the butterflies and fireworks in our marriage.” But, in case you missed that blog post, I’m giving several ideas and challenging you to start making time for your spouse! Starting TODAY!!!

Plan a date night- I am not talking about the the date nights that I described above. There are no kids, technology, or distractions allowed on the date nights I am talking about. If you can’t get a sitter, then that’s okay. My husband and I have started once a month letting the kids have a “kids night.” Which means, the kids get the house to themselves…kind of. We fix pizzas, nachos, get junk food. We take them to Redbox and let them pick out a movie or a game for the Wii. And they love the thought of kicking us out on the porch so they can have the house! If you have younger kids, maybe put them to bed early (even if it’s 30 minutes) and spend that 30 minutes talking to your spouse. Try when you are talking to your spouse, not to bring up kids or work or problems in your marriage. Just hang out like you would if you were dating. Laugh. Bring up silly memories. Make silly memories. Hang out!!!

Text/E-mail your spouse- Make time during your busy day to text your spouse a silly selfie of yourself. If you need some romance, send a sexy picture of yourself! Ha! I’m serious! Text your spouse an “I love you and miss you” text message. Think of something recently that your spouse has done and text them that you appreciated that gesture.

Do an act of kindness- Sometimes, it can be hard to make yourself do an act of kindness for your spouse if you are not having a good period in your marriage. But, an act of kindness might be JUST what your spouse needs to perk up. Do an act of kindness for your spouse. Wake up a couple minutes before them and take them coffee in bed, start their car on cold mornings, pack their lunch, do a chore that they absolutely hate doing, leave them a sticky note on their windshield, have flowers delivered to them, buy their favorite candy and leave it on their side of the bed for their bedtime snack,surprise them with a date night that you have already planned, or post a picture of you two on Facebook. There are many different ways to show you care. It doesn’t always have to involve money.

Lord, I pray that you allow couples to really start reuniting! That you show them how to make time for their spouses! I pray that marriages are being restored! I pray that couples are feelings a love and connection for their spouses that they have never felt or haven’t felt in a long time. Help us with our marriages!

Until next time…be encouraged!

Is God Allowed in Your Marriage?

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Is God Allowed in Your Marriage?

Isn’t it a little bit odd how we seem like we allow everyone else to be a part of our marriage, everyone but God? Now, I am not saying that you aren’t a Christian, because I have been a Christian since before I married my husband, and there have been times where I haven’t allowed God to be a part of my marriage.

What I mean when I say that God isn’t a part of your marriage, is that we have trouble in our marriage, we need advice, we have things that happen in our lives and we talk about it to our friends, family members, people that we work with, or even perfect strangers. Of course, we might say the quick little prayer that we all tend to say, “God, help me get through this.” But, we never invite Him to be a part of our marriage.

I have shared with this blog how my husband and my first year of marriage was rough. We were in church and I remember getting into arguments with my husband and saying these quick “God, why aren’t you helping my marriage?” “God fix my marriage!” But, I would spend hours on the phone telling my best friend and really expecting her to have the answer. Are you catching my drift here?

God created women for men. It says that they are leave their parents and become one. I think that God believe that God knows that we would have difficult eve that God knows that we would have difficult times in our marriages. I believe that God knows that we will be tempted in our marriages. I believe He knew everything when He created marriage and I also believe that He wants to be a part of our marriages.

Maybe you are a person who truly believes that God is a part of your marriage. That’s wonderful. God needs to be a part of our marriages. God needs to be present in our lives. As we allow God to be in the center of our marriages and lives, it doesn’t mean that our lives or marriages will be perfect, but it does mean that they are possible. Things that come up in our marriage are possible to get through with God.

Trust God with your marriage. Have you ever heard the quote, “Have you prayed about it as much as you’ve talked about it?” That’s what I am talking about. We are quick to let the people in our lives direct our thoughts and sway our decisions about our relationships. And, our family and friends may mean well, but sometimes they begin to talk negative towards our marriage. So, when did we stop allowing God be a part of our marriage? When did we stop reading in to what God has to say about our marriage? He has plenty to say about marriage. He has plenty to say about the temptations we may endure during our marriage.

So, I’ll ask again. Is God allowed in your marriage?

Lord, I pray that we are allowing You to be a part of our marriages. We may be Christians, and might not understand what it means to have you be a part of our marriage. I pray that the ones who don’t understand will begin to understand. Show them in a way that only they could understand. I pray that before we are too quick to run to our friends, families, and even strangers about our problems and difficulties that we are having in our marriage, that we will begin to really search for you and what your answers are for our marriages!

Until next time…be encouraged!!!