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The Truth About AshleyMadison.com

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I didn’t even know what AshleyMadison.com was until a couple of days ago when I had noticed that 13 people had shared this blog post about it on Facebook. I knew if that many people were interested in it…I guess it must have been ‘something.’ So, I began looking into this website and was honestly appalled by what I was reading and the listings of people in my area on this site!

The website’s famous logo is, “Life is Short, Have an Affair.” Hmm..let that sink in. Over the past couple of days, I have heard news stories, people sharing on Facebook, on Twitter about this ridiculous website. “Females frantically checking this site and adding their husband’s e-mail to see if they are affiliated with this site.” “Spouses buying these programs to see what sites their spouse is on.” Are people really that concerned with their marriage that they have to worry if their spouse is visiting a site like AshleyMadison.com?

The truth about life–about marriage is yes, marriage is hard. Yes, at times, we can feel unappreciated or distant from our spouses. Life gets in the way of marriage. Sometimes, we think that our spouse doesn’t love us anymore because they aren’t the person we married. They don’t show their love. Or maybe, they have even it has came out of their mouths that they don’t love us–or they hate us, or hate our marriage. When our marriage hits a breaking point, some people do give up and get weak. Some people do start looking for attention from the opposite sex because they aren’t getting it from their spouse. Some people do have affairs. The world, the website, is saying that it’s okay to have an affair. It’s all a big secret that won’t get back to your spouse.

The truth of the matter here is that people don’t need a website to find someone to have an affair. The temptation is at work, at the gym, in public, or even in the church. This website might be ”talked about” and flaunted like it’s some solution to fix your life. But, do you really think an affair will fix things in your life? Do you really think that an affair will make things easier? Do you really think you should be finding someone else when you are still committed to a person you vowed for better or worse with?

If you find yourself worried that you spouse is having an affair, maybe you should check your marriage! How can you fix it? Have you prayed about it? Have you talked with someone or did you seek counsel? And if you are that person that is miserable in your marriage and think that “YES!” “And affair is just what I need!” Maybe you need to check yourself.If you think you can seek something better, maybe you should dedicate the effort you put into having an affair, keeping it a secret, deleting texts, deleting phone logs, deleting e-mails…..man! That’s tiring and some work. Put that work into you marriage. Instead of trying to impress the woman who is also married and has a family, buy your wife some flowers and take her to dinner. Instead of sending a dirty picture to the man who is already wearing a wedding ring, try respecting yourself and sending your husband a text message telling him how much you appreciate him and love him and send him a picture of your wedding day!

That’s just my two cents ya’ll…..take it as a grain of salt if you need to, but believe me, it’s true!

Dear God, I pray for marriages! There are temptations on Facebook, on Youtube, on the TV, at our work…Lord help us to see these temptations! Help us to recognize these as a trap from Hell! Lord, restore our marriages! Help us to follow what the Bible says about marriage and apply it to our own marriages. Help us to be cautious of our surroundings. Lord, give us a refreshing mind and a renewing love for our spouses. Help us to remember who we married and why we married them. Help us to set good examples of what a marriage is to our family and children. The world is awful and says that it’s okay to have affairs. Lord, help us not to believe those lies, but to seek Your Truth! In JESUS NAME

Until next time…be encouraged!

When Pornography Creeps Into Your Marriage

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When Pornography Creeps Into Your Marriage

I know the picture attached to this blog post is a man that is viewing his computer. But pornography is not just a problem that men deal with, there are also women who deal with pornography as well. I wanted to touch on this subject because I feel that many marriages deal with the issue of having pornography in their marriage.

It wasn’t too long ago, a friend of mine and I were talking to each other. She told me that her and her husband had a major issue in their marriage. I surely wasn’t expecting to hear that pornography was the issue..but it was. She admitted that her and her spouse had really hit a drought in their marriage after they had two children together. They were trying different things to spice up their marriage and so that led them to the sex store! While in the sex store, a video was playing. Her husband recommended maybe they buy one (a video.) So, they did. This really spiced up their marriage. Now, 4 years later, she still catches her husband viewing pornographic videos and she was getting her spiciness from romance novels, 50 Shades of Grey, ect. Since they had started reaching out for spiciness in their marriage, they have gotten out of church. They know what they are doing is wrong, but they just can’t stop.

I wanted to share this story, not to air my friend’s dirty laundry, but to let the readers know that it can happen in any marriage. It can happen to men and women who attend church. It can happen to pastors. Many people have this issue and being male or female is no an issue! ‘

Many people will not admit that they are having this issue because they are embarrassed. It is like talking about sex, it is personal and nobody wants to talk about it! If you or your spouse is having an issue with pornography in your marriage, here are several tips of advice for you!

Seek help! If you are having an issue with pornography, be open about it with your spouse. There are many Christian counselors that are willing to counsel with you and your spouse because they deal with a lot of issues like this! Most Christian counseling in the church is free, especially if you are already a member. Don’t try to hide your secret. I am not saying go yell it around the world, but don’t keep it to yourself either.

Know and realize it’s an issue- Admitting that you have an issue is the first step,right? Realizing that pornography is an issue is the first step. Pornography will never make a marriage stronger, it will not spice up the bedroom (for a long period anyway), it will not fix your marriage issues, and it’s really a trap!

Pornography usually creeps into someone’s life at a young age. When a young man (or woman) catch that glimpse of a pornographic image, they become addicted. Sometimes they can contain it, but then they think about it later in life. The issue follows them through life! Seriously! Other times, pornography creeps into marriages when there is a drought in the bedroom. Either the man or woman seeks more spiciness or like my friend’s case, they viewed it together. Men and women who seek pornography, whether it be books, magazines, videos, ect, means that they are lacking something in their marriage and once pornography wears off, affairs start happening because pornography can only remain exciting for a short period of time.

Pornography can be a major issue in a marriage. If you or your spouse are dealing with pornography. Seek help. It’s so hard to kick the habit and pornography addiction when pornography is literally at our fingertips. It pops up on our computers, there are apps for it, it is on television (whether we realize it or not!)

Steps that you can take when helping your addiction to pornography:

  • Have someone that knows about your issue. Someone that knows your issue (that isn’t dealing with the issue themselves) whether it be your spouse, pastor, friend, mentor, ect, they can hold you accountable for your action. In AA meetings, you have a ”sponsor” and that sponsor holds you accountable.So find someone that you can trust and someone that will hold you accountable. NEVER seek help from someone of the opposite sex! If you are a female that is dealing with pornography, don’t counsel alone with your pastor, make sure their wife is present during counseling sessions or make sure your husband is present! Asking the opposite sex for help on this kind of subject is just asking for trouble!
  • Think about what gets you looking at pornography. Is it on your phone? Delete the apps. Do you search for it? Put something on your phone/computer that blocks it.(even if it’s child’s PG-13 settings) Throw away all books that involve it. Don’t set yourself up. When you are having a hard time, confide in someone!

Lord, I pray from the men and women that struggle with viewing pornography. I pray that you give them the strength to turn away from it when they are being tempted. I pray that you give them the wisdom to know when they are being tempted! I pray that they would have the courage to step out into faith and talk to someone, even if it is their spouse when they are having issues. I pray that they will find support. I pray that any marriage that has been torn apart from pornography issues, that Lord, you start building it back up. Lord, you start restoring these marriage!

Please, share this post. If you know someone is dealing with pornography, share it with them (privately.) If you need prayer, please don’t forget my prayer wall. You can be added to the prayer wall anonymously.

Until next time…be encouraged!

To the Person Who Has Had an Affair.

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To the person who has had an affair.

For whatever reason the affair has ended, it doesn’t matter. I wanted to post this for the people who have had an affair. Maybe you were married and had an affair on your spouse and maybe you aren’t married and had an affair with someone who is married or maybe both parties were married–if you have been a person who has had an affair, if I could give any advice to you, it would be, not to beat yourself up too bad. When we make any kind of mistakes, we tend to beat ourselves up, feel stupid for our actions and really just downright beat ourselves up!

Usually people who have had affairs that have ended knows the pain that they have caused people. They know what they did was wrong. They feel bad as well. Just because you made a wrong decision, doesn’t make you a bad person. We all might not have affairs, but we all do wrong things from time to time in our marriages.

If your marriage has survived an affair thus far, then treat your spouse with respect and allow them time to heal what they feel was destroyed from the affair. Show your spouse the love that your marriage lacked in the first place. Vow to your spouse that you will never do it again and never meant to make such careless mistakes in the past. Give your spouse a reason to trust you again. Be very open with your spouse, because that’s what they need. Stay connected with your spouse. If you ever feel yourself leading back towards being tempted, pray about it and seek help. Never make the same mistake again. Learn from this mistake!

Affairs are messy, they hurt people, break people, make people feel worthless in the end, but I believe whatever Satan throws at us that is meant to hurt us, God can turn it around into something good.

If you were ”the other person” and run into the man/woman’s spouse, sincerely tell them that you are sorry, because they deserve an apology. Sometimes, that apology is what they need in order to move along because in their minds, they believe you are not trustworthy, they hold anger and hatred towards you and what you’ve done. Find a way to let them know how sorry you were. Don’t make excuses for your actions, but be open and just let them know you are sorry for your actions. If you can’t tell them face to face that you are sorry, then find a way. But pray about it first. They might not take to it very well, but later on, I believe that they will honor your apology. But, never apologize if you have any intentions on messing with the man/woman again!

I hope that this has helped people who have been apart of affairs. I have spent almost the whole month talking about affairs, but I really think that marriages struggle with getting over them and it was really on my heart to share.

Lord, I pray that the people that have had affairs can find self worth in themselves. I pray that you will help them Lord to not make the same mistakes again. Maybe the affairs they were in were set up by our enemy, but Lord, help them to turn this MESS into a MESSAGE! To you be the glory! There are many people on the verge of having affairs, and I pray that people that have already had affairs can minister to them and to tell them that it’s not worth it! I pray that you give them the strength and courage to apologize to the people that they have hurt along the way, whether it be the spouses of the men/women they were having affairs with, family members that they have hurt or disappointed along the way. I pray for restoration in this situation! I pray for healing in this situation! Amen!

Until next time…be encouraged!

To the Person on the Verge and/or is Having an Affair

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To the person who is/or on the verge of having an affair-

I wanted to take a moment to address the men and women who are out there that are in the middle of an affair, or are flirting with the idea of having an affair. I am not making this post to judge people, but I think when we are in the middle of things, we aren’t seeing clearly. When temptation is thrown at us, we don’t always look at what the long- term looks like, but we are looking at the ‘now’ and what ‘now’ feels like and how ‘now’ makes us feel.

If you are a person who is flirting with the idea of having an affair with someone who is married or maybe you are in the middle of having an affair, please stop. I ask you to stop because YOU ARE A PERSON WITH VALUE! A person with value will not have to wait for their ”person of their dreams” to leave their spouse just to be with them. Do you know what your title is when you are having an affair with a married person? You are the SIDE PERSON! Side people do not have value or see value in themselves. If you are reading this, you are a person with value! You are more than ”a side person!” If you have thought, “but they love me so much.” No, because if they loved you, they would also see value in you and treat you with value. If you have to hide a relationship, it’s not worth having. “They are going to leave their spouse.” Umm, but they haven’t yet. They are still going home to them..I don’t care how crappy they say their home life is. They are still going to home to THAT person..not YOU! You have more value than that! Own it! If you are in a relationship or flirting with the idea of having an affair with someone who is already married, just do yourself a favor and DROP IT! Seriously. There are plenty of men and women out there who would be glad to be seen in public with you, receive text messages from you without having to worry about being caught, go on actual dates! Do yourself a favor and see value in yourself. You are more than a side person, side chick, or home wrecker! SEE VALUE!

If you are flirting with the idea of having an affair or in the middle of an affair, do yourself, your wife and children a favor and BREAK THAT CRAP OFF! I don’t care what your marriage looks like or how much of a piece of crap your spouse is. Having an affair is not the answer…never is! Maybe you are thinking, “My spouse and I are getting divorced anyway.” But, you haven’t yet. You are still married. So, respect it and own your marriage. “My spouse will never find out.” This is the hugest lie people tell themselves. People talk, people find out, and they will find out! Believe that! “My spouse doesn’t love me anyway.” If they didn’t love you, maybe they feel the same about you. Maybe they don’t feel like you value them or love them either. Maybe instead of putting all of your effort in hiding a relationship or working hard to impress someone other than your spouse, put work towards your spouse instead. Have you ever heard the quote, “If the grass isĀ  greener on the other side, water your own grass!” This is true! Most married people have no intentions on leaving their spouses, but they want something different. It doesn’t mean they don’t love their spouse, because something in them still cares and loves their spouse. Maybe you are thinking that sounds like you.

Think about people that you will hurt along with way of having an affair. Wives, husbands, children, and family are drug into your affair. Affairs hurt other people along the way. Affairs embarrass people along the way. The people doing the affair is not meaning to hurt others, but they aren’t thinking while it’s going on.

Affairs don’t solve marriage issues. Many men and women get lonely during their marriages and think that they will just have a short affair until their marriage gets back on track. Affairs don’t solve marriage problems, they make them worse.

Affairs make people feel like they have value. People that participate in affairs usually do not see value in themselves or in their marriage so they are tempted with other people that make them have temporary value in themselves, but they aren’t thinking about the long term.

Have you ever read the story about Adam and Eve and Satan gives them the ‘forbidden’ fruit? It looked so good to Adam and Eve, so they ate it! They sinned against God. This is the same situation. Satan can dress things up so nicely that make you feel good about yourself, but in the end, they are just a road to destruction.

Having an affair will not help you, your spouse, your children, your family, or even the other person that is involved in the affair. If your marriage sucks so bad, then get out of it before getting involved with someone else. If you are the ”other person” then see value in yourself. When people are caught in affairs, they aren’t seen as people with value. Having an affair will kill your reputation. Think about it.

Lord, I pray for all the people around the world who are tempted EVERYDAY by people they pass and work with. I pray that they recognize these temptations and they see that they are not good. Lord, if we are seeking people who are married to give us attention, Lord, I pray that we stop right now and see value in ourselves. Lord, help us to see the value in ourselves! Help us to see that we are made from You and that You don’t make junk! Help us to realize that having an affair might seem good and pleasing while it’s going on, but show us the big picture and that it will end in destruction. Lord, give us wisdom!

Until next time…be encouraged!

Can Your Marriage Survive After an Affair?

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Can Marriages Survive After An Affair?

I don’t know how many times that I Googled or looked on Pinterest about marriages and if there was a chance for them to survive after an affair. I will just be honest with you and save you many hours of searching…the statistics are NOT good. Affairs that occur during marriages usually cause marriages to end because the spouse that has been betrayed feels as if they can’t go on, they can never trust their spouse again, or that they can’t get over the fear that their spouse will cheat again. But, if you are Christian…or even if you are not a Christian and have a strong positive attitude about your marriage, then yes, your answer is that marriages can survive after an affair.

If you and your spouse have decided to work on your marriage, if your spouse is sorry for cheating, if you can forgive..then there is not doubt that you can survive an affair. It will never be an easy task on learning to forgive, learning to trust, learning to connect back to your spouse. None of those tasks are easy after an affair has occurred in a marriage.

If you are having issues after finding out your spouse has had an affair, there are several decisions that you need to make:

Can you get over an affair? Getting over an affair is one of the biggest problems. If you are not able to get over an affair, your marriage will not survive it. There will be many days that you will think that you will never get over it. But there are many different processes that we go through during the healing process. Like I have shared, I was shocked, in disbelief, hurt, depressed, sad, angry, bitter, unforgiving, and hateful. The more time that passed, the easier I began to accept what had happened in my marriage.

Finding it in you to trust again- Even after a year has passed, I will be honest, I STILL have days where I don’t trust my husband. But, I realize that on the days I don’t trust him, it’s not because he is doing anything wrong, it’s because it’s just a thought that’s entered into my mind. Marriages that haven’t dealt with affairs, they deal with trust issues. If you can TRY to trust again, then that is a step to helping your marriage survive. We don’t have to trust all the time. We will have bad days..but if we will have more trusting days than not trusting then we are letting our marriage survive! I’m not talking about after the couple of days that you have found out. For at least a month, I was looking at phones bills a thousand times a day, I was calling his work to make sure he was there, I was checking his phone constantly, I was driving by the woman’s house making sure she was doing what I thought she should be doing…but as time has passed…I don’t do that stuff anymore.

Getting connected again- Again with my experience. I didn’t allow myself to get connected at first, and that’s okay if you don’t either. If you are hurt, allow yourself time to hurt. If there was a ”near death experience” in a marriage, an affair would be it. If you encountered a ”near death experience” it would most likely mess you up and you are entitled to it. But, if we encounter things like that we work towards healing. Once the healing begins, it’s important to get back connected to your spouse again. It’s important to connect because obviously being disconnected from each other helped the affair occur. (Please don’t take that as me blaming you for the affair–affairs happen because husbands and wives don’t have a strong marriage and they are tempted and they are weak and it happens.)

Marriages survive affairs every day, but they also fail after an affair as well. It is your choice to on whether or not you seek healing for your brokenness and you begin to keep the attitude that, “Nothing or nobody will come between my marriage!” “I don’t care what has happened, it is about to be about what’s going to happen!” “That woman or man that was with my spouse doesn’t matter!”

Lord, I pray that husband’s and wives that have had to deal with an affair in their marriages choose to let their marriage survive. Lord, help us to choose healing and seek healing for our marriage! Lord, we ask You to restore our marriage! Lord, help up and show us how to make our marriages survive and thrive. I ask you, Lord, that you help us to forgive and move on! Help us and guide us. In Jesus’ Name…AMEN!

Until next time…be encouraged!!!

Figuring Out Your Marriage After an Affair.

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The Choices You Need To Make After Your Spouse Has Had An Affair

Obviously, you have several choices to make when trying to figure out what you are going to do after you have found out that your spouse has had an affair. 1) You can get even. 2) You can get a divorce. 3) You can decide to make your marriage work. Trust me, if you find out that your spouse has had an affair, then all of these (plus even some I didn’t mention) might come to your mind. But, nobody can make the decision for you-not your family, friends, or even your spouse. The choice of how you handle your spouse’s affair is all on you.

Getting even- It went through my mind many of times! And during our arguments, it wouldn’t make things easier when my husband would say, “I wish you would, then you would realize how much that person DOESN’T mean to you!” I had many times where I felt like I wanted to get even with my husband or even to the woman who I thought came between my marriage. And there were even days where I thought I would do ugly things towards them both and get my piece of getting even. When I thought it would make me feel better after I attempted to hurt them, it just made me feel awful because that wasn’t the person I was. I didn’t have it in me to cheat on my husband and try to pay him back that way. I surely didn’t have it in me to sleep with a married man. I didn’t have it in my to fight the woman. I had my mean, angry days, but like I said, it didn’t get me anywhere. It made me even more bitter. Getting even is never the answer. Have you ever heard the quote, “Don’t get mad, get even?” Yeah, forget that quote.

Get a divorce- Yes, many affairs are ended in divorce. There are many spouses that just can’t get over their spouse having an affair. There were many days where I thought to myself, “I just don’t think I can make this marriage work.” I didn’t think that I could make the marriage work because I couldn’t get over the fact that he had cheated. I couldn’t get over the fact that he had lied. I couldn’t get over the fact that the woman knew my life and still did it anyway. I just couldn’t get over anything! I thought it would have been easy to just get a divorce and start over. But, divorces are messy. I have never experienced a divorce for myself, but I have experienced divorces of friends, parents and family. It is awful. If there is anything in you that says that you still love your marriage, and if there is anything in you that says that you can still remember the person that you married and fell in love with…you don’t want to consider divorce. Divorce isn’t the easy way out like everyone things they are.

Make your marriage work- If you have an ounce in you that says you don’t want to lose your spouse..whether it be because you love them, you two have been married a long time, you have children together, ect..if there is any ounce in you that doesn’t feel that divorce is the way to go..don’t do it. Why are divorce rates up so much? Because people don’t want to stick it out. People don’t want to put forth the effort in their marriage. People forget their vows. If you have decided to stick it out in your marriage, get divorce out of your vocabulary. Don’t dwell on divorce. Don’t think about divorce. Yes, it’s easy for divorce to creep in your mind on your hardest days..but tell that word to GO TO HELL!

Like I’ve said, nobody can’t make your decision for you. You have to make that decision on your own.

Lord, I pray for these marriages. I pray for the spouses that are at a crossroads in their marriage and they don’t know what they want. Lord, help us to remember that we don’t need to get even because it just makes us more bitter and doesn’t get us any further. Lord, help us to forgive when we want to pay people back that do us wrong. Lord, help us in our decision making. Lord, show us the big picture, not the easiest picture. Help us Lord, on our weakest days. We love you Lord. Amen.

Until next time…be encouraged!